© mj 2019



Posted on by Molly Johnson

it has become clear to me that i am incapable of keeping all of the balls in the air at one time...

in this current stretch of "me time", well situated between happy contracts, i have one major goal. to be the person i have always wanted to be. not to sit saucer eyed in front of the internet, revelling in my relative freedom, but rather to spin a furious tornado of productivity. and when i talk productivity, i mean all encompassing kinds of achievement. the regular kind of go-go-go that i aim for in life, love, family, career - yes! but also the mundane kind of go that gets put on the backburner as soon as i get busy.

in no particular order: flossing, taking my vitamins, trying out recipes, having food to eat, devouring books (fiction for bedtime, non for transit), getting caught up on movies and tv (almost finished season three of dawson's creek), oil supplementing, oil pulling, handstands, situps, swimming, stretching, keeping the house in an agreeable state, practicing french, and meditating (auto-correct suggests that i make that medicating). this doesn't even begin to broach the pinterest style aspirations that haunt my dreams.

with just over two weeks before i head back to steady employment, i feel the crushing pressure of all the little things that i haven't quite managed to form into the healthy habits i desire. of course i get a few done a day, and then none, and then some...but never all at the same time or for always. it is my lack of success in the minutiae that makes me think i'm not cut out for rearing children, but then my friends say that you actually get things done with kids because you have no choice (probably not the flossing, but the having food to eat part). seems an unwise experiment to try and see.

undoubtedly, for each buzzfeed quiz i partake in (and i partake in many) or each open letter i find myself pouring over (because every open letter you read has a counterpoint open letter and then you're lost in an internet vortex of humans not in agreement), well for each of those, i could substitute one of the above. but then i would probably add to my list of ideal life attainables: keep up with internet culture. my relative failure in forming healthy habits may also have something to do with the overinflated sense of accomplishment i feel when i accomplish anything at all. if i do situps three days in a row, i feel superfit! and immediately want to eat cake and lay down as a reward for being such a successful person. not because i see a direct correlation between situps and cake (my life doesn't include calorie counting) but because sugar and lying down are my go to when i feel great about myself. funnily enough, the combination usually halts any other productivity that might ensue which makes me feel increasingly less amazing...

so perhaps the end result that comes from this concentrated period of trying to do all of the things, is to do one or two of the things, but do them well and without reward. or maybe it's about breaking this cycle of writing about doing it...and just doing it. but in a non-aggressive non-nike kind of way. more like a farmer.

buzzfeed did tell me i was a farmer in a past life.

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